Close to Tears

I'm close to tears.
Close but not enough
For tears are the stuff, of expression
And I can't feel right now
- I just can't
Nothing is resonating inside
My feelings don't hide
But I fear that they've left me
Run off after years of neglect
After years of wearing a human mask
Of smiling
Of saying that it's okay
That tomorrow is a new day
But it remains the same
I'm still here
Inside this mind
In this bind
This mortal coil
Which I've wound so tightly
That it could snap & break
But it won't
Because I'm still scared
Going slowly - plodding
Taking my time
And something has to change
But not today
I'm too tired
The energy is lost
Leaked out through the years
I'm an old cask where the joins aren't right
What do you do when you don't like yourself?
You don't want to learn to love this
Change is the only desire
But it's lifetimes away
A dream or outer space
So this day
I'm raising my hand
And crying out
That tomorrow isn't a new day
It'll be just like the others
But I'll be different
Inside me is a forest
And I'll nurture & grow
The good stuff
The trees and the succulent fruits
But the brambles & weeds
They'll be yanked out
By the roots
Turned into mulch
And this gulch in my core
Will be filled with
Greenery & life
It'll grow
It'll change
It'll sing